The Secret to Investing as a Broke Mom of Four

After ponderous thought involving at least the amount of time between each threat to remove the twins’ door from its hinges, I have determined that the best way to improve our family’s finances, which are stretched as thin as the surface of a balloon (after inflation) to say the least, it to invest.

I played the Stock Market game several times in middle school, so not only do I understand the basics, I also know that my skills must have matured and grown over the years, much like other things in my life that should never be pondered while already in a mildly depressed and slightly stressed state of mind.  I figure it should be broken into several easy steps:

1.  Consider the amount of money I can reasonably afford to invest.

As a teacher on a fixed income married to a man who works several jobs to help our family of six stay afloat, I understand that money is tight.  I know the importance of keeping up with even small amounts of money and storing it in safe places.  With that said, I am pretty sure that between my wallet and the girl’s eight piggy/kitty/princess banks (How the heck did we end up with so many?) I can scrounge up at least $11.52.  If I wait until after pay day, I may be able to round that up to an even twenty bucks!

  1. Determine the desired net return.

I want to be realistic.  Given the fact that I have four children in need of college educations, I must invest well to ensure I maximize my return.  (Let’s face it, these princesses are on their own for their weddings, so I don’t have to worry about that figure.)  Given the cost of schooling now, compounded by the inflation that will occur before the tuition checks have to be cut, I estimate that I will need to turn my $11.52 into at least a million dollars.  I am sure that this is attainable if I only keep my eye on the prize.

  1. Understand the time frame in which I want to be able to cash in.

Considering that my oldest in in first grade, I need to be ready for her to seek higher learning in a little over a decade.  The twins will follow suit roughly four years after that.  (Do colleges and universities offer group discounts for having three children on their rosters at the same time?)  Perhaps we can pretend that Abby and Makayla are the same person and pay for two copies of their degree…

  1. Search for reliable products to invest in.

I would like for this to be a product I am familiar with and use regularly.  My choices are as follows-

  • Tissues- Never did I understand the speed at which a trail of snot could travel down a toddlers face until I had twins.  Tissues are not only a necessity but must be kept in multiple rooms and both vehicles at ALL times.  If we prefer to buy them in bulk, I am sure others do the same and thus the company must be stable
  • Hair detangler- Those who have seen the length to which my children’s hair grows will not question this one. Additionally, anyone who has heard them wail as I GENTLY attempt to tame their tresses will beg me to support this product to ensure its production is continued.  (Side note: They will die if my mother ever attacks their hair like she attacked mine.)
  • Toilet paper- In my house there are four female potty users, two of which are still in the training phases. Need I say more?
  1. Spend the money.

Once the decisions have been made, all that is left to do is place the order, though I am not sure how this will go down.  I cannot call in my shares as I cannot easily talk on the phone while my demure and shy girls run through the house screaming like possessed banshees from the underworld.  The computer is out of the question as I am unable to sit for more than two minutes at a time without becoming a living jungle gym, complete with cushioning and sound effects as two or more of them squash the air from my lungs and attempt to “he-yelp” me with every task.  Post is also not an option because it would require taking all of them to the mail box, which ultimately would lead one of them into the road in front of the onslaught of traffic (which will surely include three cars, an eighteen wheeler, and a tractor- we live in the country).

Now that the steps are outlines and the options are clear, beginning is sure to be a breeze.  Once I wrestle the piggy/kitty/princess banks from my children, decide on the proper toilet paper company (I’m not really brand specific as long as it comes in two-ply), and train the carrier pigeon that I have decided is the safest bet for transporting correspondence, all I have left to do is sit back and wait while my millions grow.

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